Whoever said yellow was a happy colour never visited Nairobi. Our infamous “evil parking attendants” wander the streets in their yellow overalls, swinging massive iron jaws waiting to snap down any unsuspecting victim’s car… or motorbike… or even mkokoteni.

bonk-clamp-ncc

Get some limited edition clamp t-shirts, now available at the Bonk store.

How it works

  • Wake up, yawn.
  • Burn your lips drinking hot porridge (signs that it’ll be a great day).
  • Drive to town, 2 hours in traffic… not too bad.
  • Look for parking.
  • Spot a gap, quickly dash for it before old bearded man in pickup grabs it.
  • You got it! Remove 140/- from wallet.
  • Get out of car, look for parking attendant in yellow overalls.
  • Look for anything yellow that moves… stand on your bonnet, still can’t see one?
  • You’re late for work, but you have to pay your parking fee – no attendant in sight.
  • You remember that your boss has bad breath, and you don’t want him screaming in your face.
  • Give the 140/- to the shoe-shine chap, ask him to pay for you when the yellow coats show up.
  • Dash to the office. Work hard… You’re getting hungry, it’ll be lunchtime soon.
  • Lunch! Pass by your car on your way out.
  • Alas! Bright yellow jaws of steel hug your front wheel.
  • Nobody’s in sight… shoe-shine guy left no footprints.
  • Droop your shoulders.. walk to City Hall.
  • Find the shortest queue… queue… the guy in front of you hasn’t showered in 5 days.
  • Get to the counter – you’re in the wrong queue – kindly proceed to counter 4.
  • Queue… the guy in front of you hasn’t showered in 7 weeks.
  • Finally there, plead your case to the cashier, she puts down her crochet hooks, you pay your fine.
  • You’re a free citizen now, but your car isn’t… find Gichigi, he’s got a spare set of keys somewhere.
  • Walk back to your car, discuss how hot today is.
  • Gichigi unclamps the contraption – asks you to buy him a soda, great!
  • It’s almost 4pm now, go back to office, get hot blast of boss-breath.
  • Remember that you still haven’t had lunch.

 

ISO Certified Clamping

Now that our beloved City Council is ISO certified, let’s look at some recent real-life examples of the yellow coats hard at work.